so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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