I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i've created a new STD.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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