I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My feet surprised me
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