I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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