Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
