tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
