Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
