Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
