I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
