I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize