I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
