I hate your face
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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