He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
