They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
no you cant smoke seaweed
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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