I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
