he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Green mimosas i think yes
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
