i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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