I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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