I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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