Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
