Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
