His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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