just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you mean i was at the winter classic?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
