Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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