fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
