So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He felt like a one man threesome
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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