I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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