how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
