I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize