My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
