i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
