so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
