Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
