So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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