DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
