he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
