I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I currently don't understand fingers.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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