God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
