@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize