Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
