I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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