Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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