they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
