very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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