What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
