theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
