My first STD was from a foam party
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
