We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
