Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
