My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
