she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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