She's JV to your varsity
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
