Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
