I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
