Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
