I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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