Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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