dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
